i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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