I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
