its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.