well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.