i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
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it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
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Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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