I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
