Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
