Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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