Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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