my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
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When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
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I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
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