there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
