Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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