I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
