So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
