My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
The uberlube is also flammable
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
