Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
