I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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