Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
