I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
