im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
