i just google imaged poop.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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