my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Everything about him screamed your future.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
