you guys were way drunker than both of me
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
