I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
