just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
there is glitter all over my balls
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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