hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
