he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
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Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
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MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Good news!! I can adult!! π turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ππ
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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