Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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