it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
