I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
