If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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