I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
If its not for food we ain't going out.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
