you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
