Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
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