once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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