I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Let's get the cat blown out
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
