Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
