also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
