If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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