he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
