You're so nebulous sometimes
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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