At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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