why didn't you poke me back
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
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it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
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I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.