Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Randomize
