So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
