The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
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