It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
