I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
