Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Randomize
