the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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