I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
