apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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