The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
