hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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