I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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