false alarm. still invincible.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
