are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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