I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
