woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
