no, he came in my armpit
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
My penis needs a shock collar
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
